If you find yourself trapped in the middle of the woods without electricity, running water, or a car you would likely describe that situation as a “nightmare” or “a worse case scenario like after plane crash or something.” many people refer to it as “camping.”
When people begin talking to you about camping they will do their best to tell you that it’s very easy and it allows them to escape the pressures and troubles of the urban lifestyle for a more natural, simplified, relaxing time and it's fun. Ha! Lies I tell you! Lies! Nothing could be further from the truth!
In theory camping should be a very inexpensive activity since you are literally sleeping on the ground. But as with everything in American culture, the more simple it appears the more expensive it actually is.
Camping is a multi-day, multi-step, potentially lethal activity that will cost you a large amount of both time and money. Unless you are in some sort of position where you absolutely need the friendship of a person who enjoys camping (petty thieves, hobos, business men who like to look like they have time and money to go enjoy the out doors, families with 5 or more children, boyscouts), you should avoid camping at all costs.
The first stage of camping always involves a trip to an outdoor equipment store like REI, Bass Pro Shop, or Outdoor World. These stores are well known for their abundance of such customers and their extensive inventory of things for white people to buy and only use once. If you are ever tricked into going to one of these stores, you can make those people who like camping (aka 'campers') like you by saying things like “man, this Kayak is only $1200, if I use it 35 times I’ve already saved money over renting.” Note: do not actually buy the kayak.
Next, campers will then take this new equipment and load it into an SUV or another multi-person vehicle with a Thule or Yakima Roof Rack. Then they will drive for an extended period of time to a national park or campsite where they will pay an entrance fee and begin their journey. It is worth noting that white people are unaware of the irony of using a gas burning car to bring them closer to nature and it is not recommended that you point this out. It will ruin their weekend.
Once in the camp area, campers will walk around for a while, set up a tent, have a horrible night of sleep, complain loudly, walk around some more. Then get in the car and go home. This, of course, is a best case scenario. Worst case scenarios include: getting lost, poisoned, killed by an animal, and encountering an RV. Of these outcomes, the latter is seen by true campers as the worst since it involves an encounter with the wrong kind of campers.
Conversely, any camping trip that ends in maiming death at the hands of nature or requires the use of valuable government resources for a rescue is seen as relatively positive in white culture. This is because both situations might eventually lead to a book deal or documentary film about the experience. (or atleast a very redundant, over told story that ought to be avoided at all costs)
Ultimately the best way to escape a camping trip with such people is to say that you have allergies. Since those who can afford to make time for camping and their children are allergic to almost everything, they will understand and ask no further questions.
:takes a bow:
(note á bene: My dear Boyscout Brothers (Ben, Willie, Chan-Chan, Josh, Timothy, to whomever else who found contempt at this) , I love camping. Really. I promise. This is merely the out-put of a rare funny moment...)
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Camping
If you find yourself trapped in the middle of the woods without electricity, running water, or a car you would likely describe that situation as a “nightmare” or “a worse case scenario like after plane crash or something.” many people refer to it as “camping.”
When people begin talking to you about camping they will do their best to tell you that it’s very easy and it allows them to escape the pressures and troubles of the urban lifestyle for a more natural, simplified, relaxing time and it's fun. Ha! Lies I tell you! Lies! Nothing could be further from the truth!
In theory camping should be a very inexpensive activity since you are literally sleeping on the ground. But as with everything in American culture, the more simple it appears the more expensive it actually is. (less is more.. expensive)
Camping is a multi-day, multi-step, potentially lethal activity that will cost you a large amount of both time and money. Unless you are in some sort of position where you absolutely need the friendship of a person who enjoys camping (petty thieves, hobos, business men who like to look like they have time and money to go enjoy the out doors, families with 5 or more children, boyscouts), you should avoid camping at all costs.
The first stage of camping always involves a trip to an outdoor equipment store like REI, Bass Pro Shop, or Outdoor World. These stores are well known for their abundance of such customers and their extensive inventory of things for white people to buy and only use once. If you are ever tricked into going to one of these stores, you can make those people who like camping (aka 'campers') like you by saying things like “man, this Kayak is only $1200, if I use it 35 times I’ve already saved money over renting.” Note: do not actually buy the kayak.
Next, campers will then take this new equipment and load it into an SUV or another multi-person vehicle with a Thule or Yakima Roof Rack. Then they will drive for an extended period of time to a national park or campsite where they will pay an entrance fee and begin their journey. It is worth noting that white people are unaware of the irony of using a gas burning car to bring them closer to nature and it is not recommended that you point this out. It will ruin their weekend.
Once in the camp area, campers will walk around for a while, set up a tent, have a horrible night of sleep, complain loudly, walk around some more. Then get in the car and go home. This, of course, is a best case scenario. Worst case scenarios include: getting lost, poisoned, killed by an animal, and encountering an RV. Of these outcomes, the latter is seen by true campers as the worst since it involves an encounter with the wrong kind of campers.
Conversely, any camping trip that ends in maiming death at the hands of nature or requires the use of valuable government resources for a rescue is seen as relatively positive in this culture. This is because both situations might eventually lead to a book deal or documentary film about the experience. (or atleast a very redundant, over told story that ought to be avoided at all costs)
Ultimately the best way to escape a camping trip with such people is to say that you have allergies. Since those who can afford to make time for camping and their children are allergic to almost everything, they will understand and ask no further questions.
:takes a bow:
(note á bene: My dear Boyscout Brothers (Ben, Willie, Chan-Chan, Josh, Timothy, to whomever else who found contempt at this) , I love camping. Really. I promise. This is merely the out-put of a rare funny moment...)
When people begin talking to you about camping they will do their best to tell you that it’s very easy and it allows them to escape the pressures and troubles of the urban lifestyle for a more natural, simplified, relaxing time and it's fun. Ha! Lies I tell you! Lies! Nothing could be further from the truth!
In theory camping should be a very inexpensive activity since you are literally sleeping on the ground. But as with everything in American culture, the more simple it appears the more expensive it actually is. (less is more.. expensive)
Camping is a multi-day, multi-step, potentially lethal activity that will cost you a large amount of both time and money. Unless you are in some sort of position where you absolutely need the friendship of a person who enjoys camping (petty thieves, hobos, business men who like to look like they have time and money to go enjoy the out doors, families with 5 or more children, boyscouts), you should avoid camping at all costs.
The first stage of camping always involves a trip to an outdoor equipment store like REI, Bass Pro Shop, or Outdoor World. These stores are well known for their abundance of such customers and their extensive inventory of things for white people to buy and only use once. If you are ever tricked into going to one of these stores, you can make those people who like camping (aka 'campers') like you by saying things like “man, this Kayak is only $1200, if I use it 35 times I’ve already saved money over renting.” Note: do not actually buy the kayak.
Next, campers will then take this new equipment and load it into an SUV or another multi-person vehicle with a Thule or Yakima Roof Rack. Then they will drive for an extended period of time to a national park or campsite where they will pay an entrance fee and begin their journey. It is worth noting that white people are unaware of the irony of using a gas burning car to bring them closer to nature and it is not recommended that you point this out. It will ruin their weekend.
Once in the camp area, campers will walk around for a while, set up a tent, have a horrible night of sleep, complain loudly, walk around some more. Then get in the car and go home. This, of course, is a best case scenario. Worst case scenarios include: getting lost, poisoned, killed by an animal, and encountering an RV. Of these outcomes, the latter is seen by true campers as the worst since it involves an encounter with the wrong kind of campers.
Conversely, any camping trip that ends in maiming death at the hands of nature or requires the use of valuable government resources for a rescue is seen as relatively positive in this culture. This is because both situations might eventually lead to a book deal or documentary film about the experience. (or atleast a very redundant, over told story that ought to be avoided at all costs)
Ultimately the best way to escape a camping trip with such people is to say that you have allergies. Since those who can afford to make time for camping and their children are allergic to almost everything, they will understand and ask no further questions.
:takes a bow:
(note á bene: My dear Boyscout Brothers (Ben, Willie, Chan-Chan, Josh, Timothy, to whomever else who found contempt at this) , I love camping. Really. I promise. This is merely the out-put of a rare funny moment...)
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