Normality and Invisibility

Before I start, I'd like to share a little bit about post. I wrote it about a month ago and never published it knowing the curtains that are torn away with it. I am not sure I really want those curtains torn away because I am hiding in them and I'm not sure who will find me, but I know that they need to fall and I need to be found. It's something that I feel very strongly about and, well, ... So, know that this is a really heart felt post and I'd really like your opinions after you read it.This post was really hard for me to write but I know that its a thing other people need to hear. It's a long one, but bear with me.

Ever noticed how everybody (at least in middle- and high-school) strives so diligently to be considered normal, to be just like 'them' (whoever them is)? Have you seen people do stupid stuff merely because everybody else is doing it therefore it must be entirely rational and reasonable? People do it to be like everyone else, to be accepted. Yet to be just like everybody else, you need to stand out, need to be just different enough to be cool, not absurd. Fashion, sports and hobbies are just a few of the things on the list of requirements that add, or subtract from the cool factor. But there's another catch: academics. It's cool to be just barely smart enough to pass tests (or at least get a C- average) while not getting perfect grades. In fewer words mediocrity is what teens these days aim for! What an awesome goal! If you have straight A's, speak your mind, stand out, wear off brands and have barely heard of any big names in music and are even more clueless about what's up on TV... well you're either one of three things: a) a complete outcast in the world of 'in the know' and cool, b) a homeschooler , c) or me (which would be all of the above =])

Well, back to the topic at hand: Why, oh why, do we strive to be normal? What is the attraction? To fit in? To be accepted? But why do these things require normality? Can't we appreciate the differences among us instead of scorn them? Didn't God, creator of us all, intend us to be different? Why on earth would we judge someone for being exactly what they are intended to be? I got it into my head that everybody's opinion matters.

I am not a naturally outgoing kind of person. I need to be in my element before I feel comfortable in my environment. Most of you don't really get to see me any other way, so just trust me on this one. I don't like change that is out of my control. I don't like to stand out, rather just be rather overlooked by a great part of the rest of the world. I want to be myself without the people around me noticing me unless I choose for them to care. I'm generally content with a handful of close friends who I know and trust deeply (something that is really hard for me) but to be ignored and overlooked by the rest of the world. I'd rather serve than be served. I like for people to get to know me, but not all of me unless I know them. Really, really well (which goes to make some of my newer relationships all the more special and confusing). It's not that I don't like people. I love people. I would rather know people than for them to know me. I guess you could say I like to be invisible.

At a science class I used to take, I was teased, and teased, and taunted and jeered at. Middle school girls can be pretty brutal. I have never been in the cool or popular group, and I have never been tried to be. When I took a class that none of my friends were taking, I was teased for not having friends in the class and for several other seemingly silly, small, petty things like always getting good grades and an ability to answer questions succinctly (yes, I'm an academic. It's what I do). At first I would just ignore their snide remarks, but they kept on pressing their opinions on me. Their words started taking root and I began to take their words to heart. I began to dread the class every week and did my best to get out of it. My friends and family told me that they were just jealous. Sure. Who would be jealous of a geeky looking, glasses wearing, know-it-all (yeah, I recognize I do come across that way sometimes)? I kept coming back to their cruel remarks and swallowed them one and all. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and hide from everything. Invisibility (ninjas must really have it good). And this was a CHRISTIAN class. This was almost a year and a half ago. I didn't handle any of this really well and just recently have I begun to deal with it.

I don't know what has changed within me, all I care is that it has. I know I'm not the only one one who struggles with trying to fit in but I also know that it can feel that way. Being normal is impossible. It's just a mask that can slip of and shatter at any moment. Striving to be normal is just gonna end up hurting you so why try? I think being loved by those who you love is a better goal. The opinions of those who you don't like don't matter. Let their opinions be their opinions and stay that way. Normal is a lie that masquerades as truth, as something good, something wonderful... "So encourage one another daily, as long as it is still called today, so that none of you may be tricked by sin's deceitfulness" Hebrews 13:13.

In the Dark

Today in orchestra we played in the dark. Literally, all the lights went out. We were in the back Studio B in the Shakespeare Center, the one with the walls painted black, no windows, warm, with a door that, when it closes, lets in no, absolutely no light. We played in the dark for about 20 minutes. It was so much fun (for me at least, I like the dark better than the light) and we all played really well considering. I am one of the few who has her music memorised (yes, that does imply that none of the boys have memorised music) Asia (my [atheist] stand-partner) and I played nearly perfectly. Miss T was very profusely complimentary and had us play up front, without a stand (an awkward situation because, short as I am, she is shorter... by a lot). We had a ridiculous amount of fun. The Cellists must not have for Kendrick, first cellist and super-duper sarcastic (to an annoying, peevish level) and astoundingly tall asian kid (younger than me, surprise surprise), was absent. He essentially carries the entire cello section, sad really. I'm gonna stop rambling now...

Love you guys!